I wonder if things will ever go back to normal... or is this the new normal. No one having that deep connection. No one talking to each other like we used to. I hate the new normal. Why does life have to change so drastically? Why did I have to loose connection with so many of the people i loved? Why did every relationship in my life change? I have so many questions and the only one that can properly answer them is God. And throughout the past 6 months I have treated Him so poorly and disrespected everything He has said to me. I don't deserve to even close my eyes to pray with some of the thoughts and things I have done. Every time I find a way to get closer to him, I screw it up with my stupid thoughts and actions. I'm full of shame and guilt every time i look at myself in the mirror. And every time I stand on stage to worship, I am convicted that I am "faking" everything I am doing. I don't TRY to make all of this happen. I am just a faulty man with so many problems and self doubt that I can't remember who I really am. This past Sunday was the first time I have wept over my sins in over a month. I sang the bridge to All Creatures and I closed my eyes. God was giving me some sort of vision. When I closed my eyes I felt something change in me. I saw a crowd of 10,000. I saw hands and tears of thousands of people. I heard voices of Gods children screaming out for forgiveness and for help. I saw lights pointing at me. I was on a stage looking out upon thousands who needed Christ's grace just as much as I did. They reached out for God's hand and desperately cried out to Jesus. I don't know where I was, I don't know what I was doing. All I know is that it felt real. I felt God was trying to get something across to me. Is this my future God? I opened my eyes to a church of 40 or so people who had their hands in their pocket and sang weakly in their realm of comfort. I ran to the back of the room and cried. This vision opened my eyes to what COULD be. The future God WANTS for me. Everything God has in store for me is right in front of me. But the life I am living is holding that vision back. I am creating the hole that is keeping me from stepping into the life God has planned out for me. Is this my future... Constantly falling behind and waiting for Christ to save me? I want to change everything. I want the innocence back that I left behind. I want my ablaze back. I want the fire in my heart to be burning. I’m tired of falling behind and waiting for God to catch me. I want God to rely on me and make me a leader. I want my life to be used for something so much greater. I want that vision to be a reality. That sight of thousands upon thousands singing and screaming and calling out for grace. … And I stand there looking out at it all. Letting God work His miracles in the lives of each person. Including me. And even though I am struggling with all of this… I feel like I am being watched over. God is holding me still. Even when I fight him, he is still holding onto me. He won’t let go. And even though He knows I will fall again, and again… and again… and again… He will forever hold me. He will fix my brokenness and heal my pains. I don’t deserve this grace I receive… but He provides it regardless… This is what it means] To be held How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive… This is what it is To be loved And to know that the promise was when everything fell We would be held…] | 